lookitsabilliam

fakescience:

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Growing up, I didn’t see my dad that often.  He was in the Navy and flew on planes, gone for 2 or 3 days at a time.  When he retired, we moved to Illinois and he got a job as a security officer at a nuclear power plant.  For the first couple of years, his shift was 6PM to 6AM.  Since he slept during the day, I only really saw him during his days off.  Later, he was moved to the day shift.  By this time I was involved in a lot of extracurricular activities at school.  Still didn’t see him much.

I never really liked this about our relationship, and so after I got back home from college I decided that I would take up some kind of activity that we could both enjoy.  When he was a kid, he and his brother would go pheasant hunting.  I decided this would be a perfect way to bond with my dad.  So, I did all the research, bought a shotgun, and got all my proper paperwork done.  We went hunting often, and we enjoyed every minute of it.

While I was home for Christmas, I renewed my hunting license.  I went out a few times, with no luck.  But the day I went out with my dad, we actually bagged a bird.  Here are some pictures from our adventure:

Nailed it.

And of course, you have to keep the gun clean!  A dirty gun jams, breaks, and could explode in your face.  

I wish we could have gone out into the fields more, but time wouldn’t allow it.  Some day I’m going to take my dad on a hunting trip in South Dakota, where the pheasant population is huge.  

I am always amazed at the things our country produces, especially in the retail world.  

Like Wal-Mart, for example.  Wal-Mart is an essential store in which you can buy just about anything you would ever need or want.  Need a new tire for your bike?  Right over here, sir.  Do you have one DVD spot left in your CD wallet and have $5 to spend?  Over by the rolls of fabric there’s a giant bin full of cheap movies.  Got a recipe that calls for 2 bars of chocolate bark?  Aisle 8, my friend, right after the beef jerky and before the frozen TV dinners.  The best part: you can do all this while a mustached mechanic rotates the tires on your car.  Then you can get your nails and hair done, just before you grab a footlong sandwich from the in-store Subway restaurant.

But there are some stores that can outdo Wal-Mart.  ”Heresy,” you cry; well, let me introduce you to a little gem I found called “Scheels”:

Scheels is your one-stop-shop for all your sporting needs.  When you first walk in, you will encounter a massive aquarium full of exotic fish.  Walk a bit further and you will encounter this:

Pictured:  Giant ferris wheel.

Walk around for a bit and you’ll encounter the usual gear for just about any sport.  But why stop there?  Scheels lets you practice your bowling skills on a miniature bowling lane.  Around the corner you will find a virtual driving range.  Across the way, on the other side of the ferris wheel, you can get into a NASCAR replica and race your friends in a 3D virtual Daytona 500.  Shoot, they even sell guns (one of which had a humbling $29,000 price tag):

One section is even dedicated to a giant fake mountain that is inhabited by various replica wildlife such as this little guy:

Pictured:  America and a dead terrorist.

What puzzles me the most about this store is the fact that all throughout it there are statues of American presidents, sectioned off in little areas.  I honestly have no idea what purpose they serve, except to amuse those who pass by.

“Hey Dave.  Name that former president.  Here’s a hint:  His name starts with ‘A’ and ends with ‘braham Lincoln.’”

Oh, they also have all-weather versions outside:

Scheels is a madhouse.  Never has such a place evoked such awe and confusion all at once.  I definitely want to go back again, and perhaps I will actually buy something!  After I ride the ferris wheel, of course.

Thanks for reading, friends!  Stay tuned for more.

View of the warmups (from my seat)

Illinois won in double overtime!  Oskee-wow-wow!

OK so this post about Christmas comes a few days late…  sorry!

Here’s what Santa brought me:

• Portal 2 for Xbox360 (It’s a really cool puzzle game)
• Socks (A Christmas must-have)
• stocking stuffer snacks
• 2 floor-seat tickets to the Illinois vs Minnesota basketball game
• And of course, some cold hard CA$H…  enough to cover airfare expenses and buy a new camcorder, which you bet will be used for the blog.  Cha-ching!

On Christmas Eve I went to my grandma’s house for a family gathering.  I ate 3 plates of food and the best part of the night was the gift exchange.  Here’s a couple photos of the kids getting into their presents!

The kids got guitar T-shirts that you can PLAY.  That’s right, there’s a little plug for where you attach a tiny amp.  The fret board is touch sensitive, and when you “strum” over the pickups it plays a chord!  I want one of those shirts.

Well, it wasn’t a white Christmas like we all hope for, but it did snow the day after:

After I took this picture, the sun came out and within an hour all the snow was gone :(

Sad, I know.  But cheer up!  Just watch this video.

Thanks for reading, friends.  Stay tuned for more!

fakescience:

I remember a few years ago when my grandmother told me that she and one of her best friends used to sit in the mall and watch people.  They would buy ice cream cones, find a bench, then sit there and watch the people as they walked by and carried on with their shopping.  When she first told me this, I immediately realized how creepy my grandma seemed.  I know that old people can get away with a lot of things because they seem to be stuck in time.  But really.  Watching people for fun?

Short diversion:  I plan to take full advantage of my “senility” when I am old and decrepit.  Here’s my plan:  At the ripe old age of 80, I will pretend to be senile and act as if I have no idea what’s going on around me.  I’ll be sharp as a tack, but I’ll only pretend as if I’m crazy.  This will be highly advantageous, because I’ll be able to walk into a store and pick up candy bars without paying for them.    At first, I’ll be reminded that I must pay for the candy bar.  But if I persist and try it numerous times over many months, the employees will eventually realize that they’re losing the battle and will decide that further confrontation wouldn’t be worth it.  Eventually, I’ll be able to walk into the store and walk out with some loot, no problem.  I know what you’re thinking, but let me assure you that my plan is fool-proof and will work.

As I was saying, my grandma is a creep.  Or so I thought.  But in the years since that conversation I’ve come to realize that she is absolutely right.  Watching people is highly entertaining, and the only thing that makes it creepy is the location from which you are doing the watching (from a park bench:  not creepy.  From a bush:  creepy.  Through binoculars in a war zone:  not creepy.  Through a hole in a newspaper while on a train: creepy.  See?). 

Allow me to explain.  Fresh out of high school, I spent my summer as a lifeguard at a local Christian camp.  The lifeguard’s number one duty is to ensure the safety of all patrons enjoying the swimming facility.  A responsible lifeguard enforces the rules, searches for potentially dangerous situations or circumstances, then acts decisively in order to prevent an injury or accident from happening.  In order to do this, a lifeguard must be aware of all things at all times (ideally).  And so, this is where my people-watching began; at a pool, watching other people wade around in a wonderful world of watery fun while I sat there baking in the bright, blistering hot sun. 

It’s amazing what people do in the pool.  Some kids don a breastplate of bravery (or perhaps an iron suit of idiocy) and attempt to do things that often require the pleasant services of everyone’s favorite pool buddy, Mr. Lifeguard.  For example, there was one group of kids who clearly were not tall enough to touch the floor of the pool at the exit of the waterslide (a mere 4 and a half feet).  But did that stop them?  Of course it did not.  That day I performed eleven rescues because eleven kids failed to read a couple of numbers painted on the side of the pool.

My experience as a people-watcher did not end as a whistle-bearer.  In college I had a loss prevention job at a local Best Buy in Cincinnati.  Again, my job was to watch people and make sure they followed the rules (in other words, I was constantly on the lookout for thieves). 

The creepiness of being able to watch people on a remote-controlled surveillance camera was abolished only by how entertaining some people are when they are in public.  People pick their noses (a lot, I might add).  Many people talk to themselves (often times loudly).  And sometimes, people foolishly think they’re not being watched.  I once caught a couple who attempted to steal a bunch of DVDs from our store.  The man stood watch at the end of the aisle while the woman scooped movies into her very large purse.  What they failed to add in their master plan was the inevitable presence of a Loss Prevention specialist.  One of the security cameras was right above that aisle, and it allowed me to watch their actions without hindrance.  To make a long story short, the police were involved and the couple spent the evening in jail.

I promise I have a point to all of this.  You see, because of these jobs my people-watching tendencies have remained and I find constant entertainment in the actions of others.  As I sit here in a Panera, there is a girl across from me having a rather excited conversation with two people who appear to be her parents.  She’s young, and from her conversation I discovered that she is still in college.  She bears an engagement ring, and my observation is confirmed by the subject of her discussion: her fiancée.  Apparently, he is working in the medical field and makes a decent amount of money.  But, this girl is unsatisfied because her current course in education will lead her down a path of earning incomparable amounts of money.  Because of this she is considering changing her career choice as a teacher to something of “a little more worth.”  I’ll refrain from stating my opinions.

To the left there’s a lady, full of life, having lunch with some of her comrades.  Actually, only one of them seems to be her friend, while the other two are just kind of there as “extra wheels.”  Anyway, she is talking about her new job, which she seems to enjoy greatly (she is bragging rather loudly about how she is always 15 minutes early to work.  This is an effort to “make a good impression”).  However, with this group of people she is sharing some interesting stories.  In one story, she recalls the time she embarrassingly clogged the office toilet and resorted to blaming the previous occupant.  I’ll give her credit: she is openly sharing some very personal details about her life, and that is quite a display of bravado.  But to her discredit, her story-telling abilities are so good the entire restaurant can hear her.

I’m torn on how I want to react to this situation.  And by “react” I don’t mean that I’m going to walk over to this lady and tell her to stop talking about how she clogged a toilet.  Let me put it this way:  I wonder what people think when they watch me.  Am I some bumbling idiot who talks too loud?  Or am I some boring guy who pecks away at a laptop to write about something they will never see?  I guess my real question is this:  Am I entertaining to other people?  This is why I’m torn, because I can’t decide if I want to be that way.  I guess all I really want is to make some stranger smile, because I never know how that just might make their day.

It’s settled, then.  I’ve decided to make a greater effort to make some stranger’s day a bit more interesting, because who knows:  one day some guy or girl on a laptop may be writing about how they are a people-watcher, and they could be waiting for me to do something worthy of their story. 

And so, I dedicate this entry to that random future-writer whose smile will stretch across their face because of something silly I say or do.